SAY ANYTHING

all our dopamine
hopes and dreams
confuse me.
excuse me while I throw up,
because growing up is easy
when things please me like they do today
but maybe
tomorrow will be different
and the difficulty of thinking it through
will move me sideways,
less like a high 5
more like the floor,
moving underneath me

understanding the big easy
the way you see it,
with my itchy feet,
is nothing
when you're thinking of all the ways
your ankle could break.
learning from my mistakes
like a kid taking time to ride a bike,
but they don't make stabilisers for real life situations
so take my money
and run away

they say we're good for nothing
but nothing's all I've got
what'll we do with the costume party days we're in?
and with the sinking feeling I get when I stand up
and the double dutch
which isn't much use
when I can't speak
and you can't hear
him,
her
or anyone

2,
3
bodies with 1 heart
starting to think this was a bad idea
nearly clearing the room when I open my mouth
and hitting my head when I open the door
surely £10 wasn't worth it?
when all we do is burn what we get
and play with our heads,
Gameboys and girls
holding steady
getting ready
for everything to hurt when we wake up,
turning to reach for what we grew from
when we knew that the problem was the solution

but if 2 opposites are the same
then 2 sides of my brain are in trouble.
blowing bubbles can't save us now
so clap your hands 'til they fall off
and cough up your lungs 'til they blow up,
throw up again
and bend it like anything
because devil tricks
for a bitch
will catch up with us soon
screwing us over
like the screws in your new leg

tell me I'm more than the horror stories
and paranoia
that made us
let me trust you when you say we're ok
and maybe i'll sleep before 4am
and say I'm sorry to my body for the things we've done
and the fights we won but
didn't have to
smashed knees and broken teeth along the way
say something,
say anything
before it's too late